Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
