My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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