Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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