I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
