I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Little spoons don't ask big questions
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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