I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i need some magic done to my vagina
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
