well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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