No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
