so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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