I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
