I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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