You're my little dorito
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
