My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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