The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize