I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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