So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize