history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
