Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
