Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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