I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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