Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
