Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
