It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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