Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
