Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I forget how to act sober
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
