Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
