I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
