I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I deserve this hangover.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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