I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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