Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Boobs are out for the taking
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
