I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
