We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
