i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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