so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
