im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize