fuck your aforementioned shoe
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Someone shattered a urinal.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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