Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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