I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
