Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
