I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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