I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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