Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize