one word: firstdatebathroomanal
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Watching her eat just hurts me
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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