I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize