I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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