he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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