I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize