Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
