I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
