i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
