I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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