If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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