i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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