Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
