I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
