while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
